At this time of the day, I wonder. I wonder how many years would it take for the people around me, who I put my highest regards on, to be rid of my lingering existence. I’d say linger because sometimes I can be hard to rub off. Not in a way that makes me particularly memorable, but in a way that ticks people off. They probably don’t know this already, but their existence is the only thing that matters to me. My sole reason to live in this ephemeral world where nothing really matters. I feel if time and fate had been unmerciful upon me, I would not have known about them at all. Which subsequently, makes my existence unfixed. Day after day, I would find myself staring at the wall rewinding all of those times I laughed wholeheartedly in their presence. Like a friend once said, moments like those are not going to happen twice or more. I only get one chance to experience all of it before my very own eyes.
The only way to preserve them is by remembering it as best I can. I wish I always had a camera with me so I can capture and retain every moment as I please but of course, I don’t. And most of the time, I let some of them slip away. Just thinking about the day where I can no longer remember even a shred of those memories makes me want to die while holding on to them. The thought made me smile for a second, that would be the best way for me to go. I know I have lost yet another friend, but it was a long time coming. I wanted to say something about them leaving, but I found myself frozen; knowing well what to say and do yet acquitting absolutely nothing in practice. Trying to make them stay in silence is of course, counterproductive. I feel like I should have begged for them to stay and told them how much they mean to me but I don’t know how since a part of me knew that what they were doing is the right decision. Though feeling dejected, I am relieved that they no longer have me as a friend since I would only drag them down. There is nothing inside me that would have made them better, I only suck the life out of the people around me. It is unfair, the only thing that I know in this life is how to take things from my friends without giving them anything in return. Perhaps if I had not been such a cowardly loser, they would still be around. I know that was just my wishful thinking, but imagining something as sacred as friendship to last forever is a wonderful thought. Better yet, being able to live with the same people for the last of my remaining days. I just wish I can at least have a taste of it before leaving.
