There’s something hidden in the way she smiled at me that day. I can’t seem to pin it down — but I assure you, it’s there. Maybe she’s trying to hide the sadness that’s wrapped perfectly on her facade, or maybe she’s not that fond of this place anymore. I can’t tell. But my worries are starting to creep up, maybe she’ll find out one day. Please don’t let this be the end, I prayed.
Every time she goes there, she’d bring me a thing or two to cheer me up while listening to my ramblings. She’d nod and give me words of reassurance and support. She’d tell me how much she loves and treasures every second of our time spent together. You see, something always left me feeling dazed every time our conversation ends. She’s my other half — the best person I’ve ever known in this life yet I still feel like something’s not quite whole. It’s as if there’s this invisible wall every time I try to touch her; I can never seem to get past it. I always tell myself that the feeling will eventually go away. After all, what’s there to hide?
It’s not anyone’s fault.
That’s what I would like to think, but I was wrong, and deep down, I knew. I was wrong for thinking that way. I was inches away to losing her forever; something that I would never be able to forgive myself if something as revolting as that were to happen. I remember that day: ten phone calls and not a single one answered. I waited for her in the pouring rain with a stupid grin and a hint of worry. She’s probably on her way here. She has this habit of not replying to any of my texts or calls while she’s on the train. She said that she likes seeing the view from across the seat; it makes her feel as if she’s running with the winds. I scoffed; I thought about how ridiculously pretentious she sounded. The thought of us conversing made me smile — I really can’t wait to tease her silly comebacks. And so I waited some more.
Hours have passed and yet she’s nowhere in sight. Leaving me feeling empty and angry for what she’s done to me; stood me up and getting my hopes up. I yelled into the air, feeling dejected while determined to go see her for some kind of an explanation.
She owed me one, after all.
No one answered. I double-checked the number and the markings on the wall. That’s right, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
“Hello?”
To which no one answered. The atmosphere was thick and there’s something dreadful about the way things were being put together. The living room was a mess; a ton of paperwork sitting everywhere, half-lit cigarettes that were laying around, and a pile of garbage that needed to be thrown out. The smell — it was simply unbearable. The strong scent of rotten flesh and vomit mixing in with the smokes — overall, not only was it repugnant, there’s an insidious air about it. Since it was getting dark, I decided to look around. Notably, the stairs were colossal yet seemingly brittle and creaky, giving the impression that this was an old and unkempt house. It was probably also infested with rats and termites by the looks of it. Just thinking about staying here made me shudder — I didn’t know that she was living under such conditions. I remembered the last time I went, the house looked more well put together.
A sense of dread washed over me as I arrived in front of her room.
I knocked several times before letting myself in. First thing I noticed was how messy and dark the room was, and there was this medicinal odour that was familiar and yet I couldn’t seem to make out of it. She was nowhere in sight, but I heard the sound of her bathroom fan being turned on. I could feel the cold sweats that were impending and my heavy-breathing; I felt jittery and sick, for whatever was coming.
The sight took me by surprise.
There, she was lying down on the bathroom floor in a fetal position; and I could still see the vomit pooling around her unconscious body. Next to her body was an empty bottle of pills; it wasn’t long until I connected the dots. For a second I just stared at the sight emptily without knowing what to say or do. This was immediately replaced by a feeling of extreme shock and panic, I started shaking her body relentlessly while feeling my cheeks getting wet and warm from the number of tears that were pouring down. Frantically, I started to make some phone calls and do whatever it took to save her life.
That was all that I remember — I heard some rustling, tussling, and the sound of people talking before I too, began to lose consciousness.
We would never be the same again, I kept saying to myself. What happened? Why would she do that to herself? What was the thing that made her do such things? Why was I kept in the dark for so long? Did she not trust me? Did she see me as a nobody? Was I such a neglectful friend to not have noticed the signs in the first place? There were a lot of questions and zero answers in my mind. I kept walking — back and forth, in hopes to get some kind of an explanation, at least.
But no, she doesn’t owe me anything.
We stared at each other for some time before I dared myself to ask that one question: Why?
She replied with a nonchalant shrug and told me that she just felt like it. She told me how much of a worthless friend I was to her and that she couldn’t stand a second being anywhere near me. She said that she hates my guts so much for doing the things that I did.
I cried and cried while apologizing profusely to her. I begged for her forgiveness and threw empty promises in hopes that she would want to make things normal again between us — before any of this happened. But no, she wouldn’t take any of it and started to scream — it was so loud that I just had to close my ears and eyes to ease the pain.
Then everything fell quiet — so quiet that it made me scared. I hate being alone, I despise it — no, I can’t stand it.
So I opened my eyes — yet she was nowhere in sight and all I could see was the white walls that surrounded me.
What happened?
I heard myself asking aloud. To which I was greeted by the sight of people in white lab coats and sharp pain to my right arm. I asked them again and again about what was happening but received nothing in return. I found myself losing consciousness not long after while drowning in confusion.
When I finally open my eyes again,
I could see her face; clearer than ever,
So I smiled and said,
“Once again, we’re reunited”,
She gave me a smirk and an ambiguous smile. Almost Chesire-like in nature,
“Yes, yes we are”,
And to me, that answer was more than enough.
