I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my feelings and attitudes toward life. Until today, I’ve always thought that “independence” or “freedom” is among my top two priorities. Simple — I strive to live for myself; and try my best to be “self-sufficient” (e.g., always trying to solve things by and for myself, relying on whatever resources I managed to scrape to get by in life, etc.)
However, the more I think about it, the more self-contradictory my worldview becomes. Sure, I long for independence — but, from what, exactly? What am I being held against? If it’s true that I am “free” and self-sufficient, why am I trying so hard to appear that way? Or wanting people to view me in a certain way? Isn’t being able to show and communicate whenever about my own needs a form of “freedom” as well? As I am free to voice these things that are going on in my life.
On the other hand, the facade I’m wearing enables me to do the exact opposite of that. It chains me into this false concept of freedom while dismissing my true feelings. Worst of all, it has significantly reduced my ability to identify and acknowledge how I feel toward certain things and/or people.
For instance, it’s tremendously difficult for me to understand my feelings. Especially when it comes to knowing what I like, or whom. I think this is because I tend to look at things from a cold, and calculating lens. Because what are feelings if not something that causes one to become dependent and reliant?
The framework I held regarding life comes with a cost, and it’s not cheap. Not only did it prevent me from truly understanding myself, but it also made me unsympathetic toward others. Whenever someone voices their unmet needs, I ultimately label them as not being “responsible” for their own life. When really, we all just have our problems and emotional baggage to deal with. And they are not something that can go away on their own. These things need a lot of processing and nurturing. Simply put, I wasn’t able to connect with others in a way that can build sustainable, lasting relationships. When in fact, it’s one of those things that truly matter in this life, no?
So, what I’ve been trying to tell myself lately is this one simple piece of advice: there’s nothing wrong with having needs. Better yet, voicing these needs will do me more good than harm in the long run.
I just need to balance out my need for “independence” while still acknowledging that I do have needs that involve people other than me. The same goes for everyone else, and carelessly dismissing those can potentially hurt people.
Helping myself will eventually make it easier for me to do the same for others.
