I didn’t know I’d feel this way the second time around when everything has changed. Even in this condition, the feeling that I resented so much has made its way up to the surfaces, lurking just beneath the outermost layers of my skin, creeping about them and trying to claw its way to the top. I shuddered; imagining how it would feel when the said feeling has finally eaten me up, soaking every inch of my flesh in its repulsive and putrid form. There must be a way to counter-attack it, I don’t want to lose, not now. Especially not when I have finally made it up here, everything was right where I wanted them to be. All of that had to change ever since its reemergence. I feel so helpless, restless. I have tried everything in my power to stop it from taking over whatever was left on my plate. I know that nothing lasts, but even saying it was momentary does not cut it. Why would it end in such a way and start in another? Why could not I just hold on to it with all my might and watch myself disappear while doing so?
The thought of disappearing into a nothingness feels more tantalizing than this. It’s unfair, having to experience such a state more than once in such a short amount of time. I don’t think I will be able to make it out this time, and even if I do, I’m not going to last for long out there. Had I been more patient, all of this would not have happened. At least I did not have to experience it at this rate. Perhaps there really is no way out of it, there is no cure. I used to think that there was, but I suppose I thought wrong. The only thing I was right about out of all this whole ordeal is the fact that nothing really lasts, not for long. There is an expiry date for everything, not excluding this. I wish there was some sort of label that acts as a warning before they throw you into a whirlwind of a disaster such as this. But of course, there is no such thing, and I’d be stupid to think that. There really is no use for me to try and outrun these feelings. Whatever I do, whatever I decided not to do, they are all just a cluster of behaviors and thought patterns that were already set in the first place that I had to follow. Whether it was knowingly or unknowingly. What I can do, though, is to stop the cycle altogether. That is what I’m in full control of, the only autonomy that I have over this. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m enslaved by it; the only way to be rid of its faculty is to shut the whole thing down. To shut whatever this is from corrupting my thoughts and maneuvering my behavior.
The only problem I have is whether or not I am ready to do just that. And when that time comes, at what cost?
27/01/18
